[SIC] comment no. 5

"to shark
I am Russian. And I dont like the articles on your website. I thinks it depends on people not on nationality!"

And I suggested to this person maybe he/she had no sense of humour and asked why he didn't like my wonderful FA-Q, he/she proudly replied:

"my sense of humour is ok :)
you laugh at Russian characteristics! you might laugh at Americans!"

'OK' doesn't mean that this person is devoid of humour. It simply indicates appreciation of simple, obvious or lavatorial jokes or only 10% of what's posted on www.anekdot.ru. In other words, it indiciates the appreciation of 0% of this FA-Q's content.

[SIC] letter no. 39

I will be publishing some of the most interesting questions I've received from readers of this FA-Q.

I don't know how stupid this is, but here goes.
I have a love interest who lives in Russia. We would like to together and possibly get married. She would like to know what type of visa she would need to come to Canada? Is there one for fiances? How long does it take to get a visa in Russia. I would really appreciate any info about this subject. THANKS --Stephen

Dear Stepper,

Looking at your kind but unbalanced letter that consisted of no "My dear Media Shark" or "Dear Anya" but ended with a big "THANKS", I will try my best to explain to your feeble mind that this is a Russian FA-Q, not a Canadian FA-Q and I'm not obliged to answer your Canadian visa questions. But I think she could use the same visas as Russian hookers might use for their 'business trips'.

You've got a problem here, pal. She wants your $$$ and uses travel expenses as an excuse. So you want to visit her instead and keep her an Atlantic-Ocean's width away from your bank account. Praises unto you for your courage to visit such a bad country as Russia after diligently (assume) reading through my extremely informative FA-Q.

It doesn't take long at all to get a Russian visa. Say, maybe 10-15 years--the time of only one or two revolutions. The fees may run higher than a round-the-world air ticket. After you submit yourself to the scrutiny of the Foreign Ministry, Customs and Immigration, the KGB Border Guard and Internal Security, you may go on to your futile search of that woman who may either have been nonexistent in the first place, or to find out that her once soft and supple skin has already shrivelled up not unlike Russian autumn leaves.

Therefore I advise you to just give her the money and dump her before she dumps you to save your male ego that will suffer considerable damage from being conned out of your money.

Thank you for asking such an interesting question. It turns out that it's the questioner, not the question is stupid.

Sincerely,
Media Shark

What are Russian blondes like?

Few Russians are actually true blonde and truly dumb. Besides, Russia is the home of the most brilliant people in literature, science, music etc.

There are people, however, who choose artifical stupidity and dye their hair blonde with cheap hair dye bought from a kiosk or submit to the hairdressers' idea of "Soviet chic". A badly-done hair-job is usually the mark of a Russian 'blonde'. But some people are stupid anyway and decide that they need to match their hair colour according to their IQ score.

Dyed and smarter Russian blondes therefore are just using their hair colour to attract other natural blonde men in order to take off with their money. The true Russian blondes (or just stupid dyed Russian blondes) just wander the streets, hopelessly lost, or are sitting in a metro train on the circle line waiting for the last stop.

What is a samovar?

A samovar is normally used for brewing cup upon cup of tea, but it's useful for some other things as well. A samovar runs on coal, firewood, gas, electricity or nuclear power (for industral use--eg. in tea-brewing factories.) Every Russian household has a samovar in the kitchen.

Some times in winter, the hot water pipes may be shut down, a samovar comes in handy. To use a samovar to obtain hot water, Russian pour snow or ice into it and then heat the contents. Hot water is then obtained from the spigot. Some Russians have 2 samovars--one to put in the kitchen and one to put in the bathroom so that hot baths are possible. Very large samovars that are able to melt kilograms upon kilograms of snow into litres upon litres of water can be bought and are usually used in the bathroom.

What about the KGB? Should I worry about them when I come to Russia?

Why should you worry about the KGB watching you in Russia when they're already watching you wherever you are?

The KGB employs some 400 000 to 700 000 agents, and that number has incresed so much that the KGB had to split into two new organizations: the FSB (internal security) and the SVR (foreign intelligence) so expect the number of FSB/SVR agents to be around 800 000 to 1 400 000. They can spare plenty of agents to keep an eye on people who express an interest in Russia or are planning to make a trip to Russia.

Why go to Russia to get spied on? You've already got the real deal wherever you are!