[SIC] comment no. 5

"to shark
I am Russian. And I dont like the articles on your website. I thinks it depends on people not on nationality!"

And I suggested to this person maybe he/she had no sense of humour and asked why he didn't like my wonderful FA-Q, he/she proudly replied:

"my sense of humour is ok :)
you laugh at Russian characteristics! you might laugh at Americans!"

'OK' doesn't mean that this person is devoid of humour. It simply indicates appreciation of simple, obvious or lavatorial jokes or only 10% of what's posted on www.anekdot.ru. In other words, it indiciates the appreciation of 0% of this FA-Q's content.

[SIC] letter no. 39

I will be publishing some of the most interesting questions I've received from readers of this FA-Q.

I don't know how stupid this is, but here goes.
I have a love interest who lives in Russia. We would like to together and possibly get married. She would like to know what type of visa she would need to come to Canada? Is there one for fiances? How long does it take to get a visa in Russia. I would really appreciate any info about this subject. THANKS --Stephen

Dear Stepper,

Looking at your kind but unbalanced letter that consisted of no "My dear Media Shark" or "Dear Anya" but ended with a big "THANKS", I will try my best to explain to your feeble mind that this is a Russian FA-Q, not a Canadian FA-Q and I'm not obliged to answer your Canadian visa questions. But I think she could use the same visas as Russian hookers might use for their 'business trips'.

You've got a problem here, pal. She wants your $$$ and uses travel expenses as an excuse. So you want to visit her instead and keep her an Atlantic-Ocean's width away from your bank account. Praises unto you for your courage to visit such a bad country as Russia after diligently (assume) reading through my extremely informative FA-Q.

It doesn't take long at all to get a Russian visa. Say, maybe 10-15 years--the time of only one or two revolutions. The fees may run higher than a round-the-world air ticket. After you submit yourself to the scrutiny of the Foreign Ministry, Customs and Immigration, the KGB Border Guard and Internal Security, you may go on to your futile search of that woman who may either have been nonexistent in the first place, or to find out that her once soft and supple skin has already shrivelled up not unlike Russian autumn leaves.

Therefore I advise you to just give her the money and dump her before she dumps you to save your male ego that will suffer considerable damage from being conned out of your money.

Thank you for asking such an interesting question. It turns out that it's the questioner, not the question is stupid.

Sincerely,
Media Shark

What are Russian blondes like?

Few Russians are actually true blonde and truly dumb. Besides, Russia is the home of the most brilliant people in literature, science, music etc.

There are people, however, who choose artifical stupidity and dye their hair blonde with cheap hair dye bought from a kiosk or submit to the hairdressers' idea of "Soviet chic". A badly-done hair-job is usually the mark of a Russian 'blonde'. But some people are stupid anyway and decide that they need to match their hair colour according to their IQ score.

Dyed and smarter Russian blondes therefore are just using their hair colour to attract other natural blonde men in order to take off with their money. The true Russian blondes (or just stupid dyed Russian blondes) just wander the streets, hopelessly lost, or are sitting in a metro train on the circle line waiting for the last stop.

What is a samovar?

A samovar is normally used for brewing cup upon cup of tea, but it's useful for some other things as well. A samovar runs on coal, firewood, gas, electricity or nuclear power (for industral use--eg. in tea-brewing factories.) Every Russian household has a samovar in the kitchen.

Some times in winter, the hot water pipes may be shut down, a samovar comes in handy. To use a samovar to obtain hot water, Russian pour snow or ice into it and then heat the contents. Hot water is then obtained from the spigot. Some Russians have 2 samovars--one to put in the kitchen and one to put in the bathroom so that hot baths are possible. Very large samovars that are able to melt kilograms upon kilograms of snow into litres upon litres of water can be bought and are usually used in the bathroom.

What about the KGB? Should I worry about them when I come to Russia?

Why should you worry about the KGB watching you in Russia when they're already watching you wherever you are?

The KGB employs some 400 000 to 700 000 agents, and that number has incresed so much that the KGB had to split into two new organizations: the FSB (internal security) and the SVR (foreign intelligence) so expect the number of FSB/SVR agents to be around 800 000 to 1 400 000. They can spare plenty of agents to keep an eye on people who express an interest in Russia or are planning to make a trip to Russia.

Why go to Russia to get spied on? You've already got the real deal wherever you are!

Do Russians always wear fur hats?

The wide availably of bears explain the wide availably of fur. After making thousands upon thousands of fur coats every month, there is still enough fur left around to make fur hats with ear flaps.

Fur hats are quintessentially Russian and are an important part of Russian traditional costume. They wear fur hats all year around--although it's mostly winter all year round--and have followed Russian soldiers from Japan to Afghanistan (as demonstrated in a Rambo movie). They also have followed cosmonauts into space.

It is impossible for any Russian to survive withou his trusty fur hat. Visitors to Russia will also find it impossible to surive the year-round Russian winters without one. High-quality fur hats made from bear and sable fur can be found in foreigners-only tourist shops in hotels. Such shops are closed to ordinary Russians and take only hard currency so when you visit Russia, be sure to get yourself a beautiful fur hat with ear flaps that even Russians can't get themselves. Wearing it and walking around Red Square will attract the admiration of Russian policemen, who also wear similar hats. They will ask you where you're from and it's best you show them your passport to avoid any confusion.

Do Russians drink a lot of vodka?

Of course, provide the wide availabity of vodka, many Russians do indeed drink.

Vodka (водка) is simply a nickname for the Russian word for water, 'voda' (вода) and the words are interchangable.

In Russian homes, one can obtain hot water as well as cold vodka from taps. Vodka has cleaning and anti-freeze (because of the high alcohol content) properties and is used for a wide varity of purposes as well. Vodka is used as a household cleaner, to melt snow on windowpanes and used as an anti-freeze in cars. And of course, it can be drunk.

Many of the new plumbing in Russian apartmens and dachas have vodka and water meters, but hey often have been tampered with to fool the authorities. Thus, they've introduced a fixed utilities fee for vodka and water. Russians thus have no limits to how much vodka they can drink.

Bottled vodka is also availabe in stores for areas who often have plumbing faults due to such tampering. Some Russians often collect these bottles to store vodka from taps when the plumbing does work so that they will not be left without drinking-vodka. Such Russians are usually poor and plod around the city in tattered clothing and a rickety trolley-bag, looking for discarded bottles to collect.

What is the best-paying job in Russia?

All the best-paying jobs in Russia can be found under a roof, or 'krisha' (крыша) as it is called in Russian.

People who work in such jobs are very close to each other, like family. The patriach of the family is often called 'boss' (босс) or 'kryostniy otets' (крёстный отец). The boss receives most of the profits, he and his closests partners can afford armoured Mercedeses and BMWs and not to mention, plenty of expensive pets called 'flathead' bears. (See "This answer)

These companies in charge of running things under the 'krysha' are referred to as "mafiya" (мафия), as opposed to the Italian name "Mafia" with a capital "M". They, therefore, are radically different than the Sicilian Mafia. "Mafiya" is a syndicated cooporation.

After the boss and his closest cohorts, the best paid person is the 'nayomniy ubitsa' (наёмный убийца) who deals with personnel, especially with firing them. Sometimes he works independently and is hired whenever he is needed.

People living under the krisha (roof) need to pay rent. If they do not pay up on time, the nayomniy ubitsa deals with them.

Nayomniy ubitsa are also referred to in Russian as 'киллер'--derived from the English word, 'killer'.

Do Russians eat a lot of caviar?

Many Russian cities have a major river in their vicinity where all kinds of caviar-bearing fish are caught.

During winter, all agricultural activity stops and caviar is usually the only source of protein and vitamins for Russians.

They catch the female fish, slice open it's underbelly, remove the caviar, sew the belly shut and release the fish. The same fish can produce more caviar for 4 or 5 times. When spring arrives and the farms can produce potatoes again, they stop catching the fish for caviar and let the eggs hatch to produce a new generation of fish.

Caviar is eaten every day during winter. In stores, they are even more common than canned tuna. Russians buy tins and cans of caviar and eat them straight out of the can with a spoon or with black bread. During lunchtime in Russia, one can see Russian workers sitting on park benches digging into cans of black or red caviar with small wooden spoons. Office workers prefer black caviar while construction and blue-collar workers like the cheaper red caviar.

Because Russians consume so much caviar, little of it is left for export so Russian caviar sold outside Russia is very expensive.

Are glow-in-the-dark stuff popular in Russia?

Yes--glow-in-the-dark ornaments, paint, nail-polish and party-jewellery can be found in many shops and kiosks. In fact, Russia is the world's monopoly on the glow-in-the-dark business. Let me explain why:

After several minor nuclear-related accidents (and one BIG one), many cities in Russia are contaminated with radiation. Radioactive subscances glow in the dark any anything contaminated with radiation will also glow in the dark.

Because of high leves of radiation, every Russian carries a GM-tube with him to check radiation levels around him, which depends on the wind direction and the progress of the repair of the last reactor leakage or mishap. If radiation levels are high, they don thick, protective suits. These are usually ugly grey, brown or black in colour. (In summer they don't seem to have so many accidents with nucler plants.) Radiation levels also explin why Russians are lacking in lifespan, especially in Russian men.

At night, some trees and living things glow in the dark. They are highly radioactive but very beautiful. Russians chop down these trees to get highly-prized glow-in-the-dark wood to make ornamental objects and ship them around the world under the name 'glo-in-the-dark' through foreign companies. The sap from such trees are used to make 'glo-in-the-dark' paint, used in light sticks, watch faces and other things.

In Russia they also sell ornaments in shapes of the communist star and crescent-shaped sickle in kiosks located in underpasses or train stations. The ornaments from Chernobyl are most highly-prized as they glow the brightest. Young Russians like to decorate their rooms with glo-in-the-dark stars and arrange them so that they'd look like the constallation 'Ursa Major' ('Big Bear'). Shapes of Russian space ships are also popular.

Are there skinheads in Mosow who could beat me up?

Yes, we've got plenty of skinheads in Moscow. Some genetic kink in the Slavic gene pool causes some people to have very little hair on their head, have very pale skin and blue eyes. Somehow they feel that they must be part of the great 'white-power', neo-Nazi movement.

If you are a not a white person, take the following precautions to avoid being beaten up into pulp:

1) Stay in your hotel at all times.

2)

If you must go outside:

1) Wear a blonde wig, blue contact-lenses and apply make-up to make your skin white.

2) Hire a car-full of AK-47-touting bodyguards. (Ask to speak to Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov at your friendly car-rental office.)

3) Wear an armband as seen on any "white-power" website or in any WWII movie (the red and white ones, dammit!).

What are the streets in Russia like? Are there bears on the streets?

Russian streets are flanked by red banners. Hail Stalin. There are those statues everywhere. They materialize in the middle, on the left and right of the road. Stalin, Lenin, Marx, some Great Patriot of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin, Lenin, Marx, some Great Patriot... Birch trees give shade to these heroes of our time.

Bears roam among the birch trees. Bear-hunting is very popular in Russia. Everybody has a gun. Sometimes a stray bullet from a mis-fired shot can lead to mafia-style showdowns on the street.

Actually people are just shooting at one type of bear called a 'flathead'. They are a very large species, have black coats, are not very clever and make up in size for their lack of intelligence. Rich Russians like to keep flatheads as pets. Flatheads are good pets because they also protect their owner and are able to fit them in a Mercedes Benz. They bring them everywhere with them, but sometimes people mistake them for a stray or wild bear and shoot them. That's how gunfights start. Some flathead owners train their more intelligent flatheads to use firearms to defend themselves.

People make fur coats and fur hats from the hunted bears. Tourists like to buy fur products with Lenin pins on them.